The Pickle Jar

Posting at work

2007-08-22T13:31:19Z

Most people blog at work, I guess. That is what I am telling myself anyway.
So things are not great. I finally have my "dream job" and it is hard and challenging and tiring and fun- and then the theatre has a fire and everything gets thrown through a loop. I find out that there is no such thing as a dream job and that work is hard and responsibilities are tough. I feel like I am mostly good at it (good enough anyway) and that the important thing is to communicate, which I am working on.

Otherwise things are not great. I keep feeling sad and freaked out about everything, even things that don't make sense and are completely irrational. I am convinced that something bad is going to happen. Nothing comforts me. I am not a good friend, I feel like there is a train going through my mind all the time, and I have a constant ache in my stomach. I don;t know what to do, but I am pushing away all the things that are important to me, especially the most important thing of all.

What is going on? Even prayer isn't helping.

summer is flying by!

2006-07-12T05:26:58Z

I just realized that I haven't updated in forever. Funny. So much has happened, I don't know where to start! My new house is good, if a little small and stuffy (but it is summer and humid!) The play is amazing, if challenging and tiring and stressful and sad at times. It's a roller coaster, but such and amazing experience and I am so glad that I am a part of it. But most importantly:

I have a teaching job next year!

After two interviews and weeks of painful waiting, I was afficially offered a teaching job at RHS and I have accepted it. There is paper work and things to go through, but I will definetly be "on board" with the Teacher Creatures come August 1st. This is crazy and still sinking in for several reasons! I just graduated from Richmond 7 years ago, and now all of a sudden I am ready to walk in the doors as an adult with the knowledge and the moxy (Thanks Ms Dennis) to teach? I guess the most important thing is that I want to help students succeed and see the fun and importance in things. I love school, I always have. I love learning, and I love creating learning environments. Hopefully it won't be devastatingly difficult and suck my soul out and stuff.

Other than that news, I am pretty much boring. I feel a little nervous about some things in my personal life, so just keep me in your prayers. it's tough to be a grown up with real-life relationships and responsibilities.

aquarium in Gatlinburg

2006-06-30T02:21:48Z

Brian and I make a viscious Pirate pair. I think we are anticipating Jonny Depp's return to the screen as the hottest man in eyeliner!

kristypickles @ 2006-05-27T17:34:00

2006-05-27T21:34:07Z

SO I am rounding the bend with the portfolio. It is just fine-tuning until I turn it in on tuesday morning when they open the offices again. Unbelievable that the end is so anti-climatic. It is kind of cathartic to have my last task to be so individual and OCD oriented. Tabs and files and highlighter pens are surrounding my work station, and not a paper to grade in sight. At least this I have total control over.

I am feeling the pull of summer laziness already. I realize why it is that we have to work for most of the year, because the drug of doing nothing is so addictive. I would literally asphyxiate if I never did any work. But it is nice to be done with this kind of work. I have some goals for my summer:

1. Repair some broken relationships
2. Tend to my emotional health
3. Exercise as much as possible
4. Live honestly

I think these are a good start. I am SO EXCITED about being in a play again. This time I won't be distracted by school or stupid boys. I will be able to enjoy every part of it. I miss singing Joseph songs a lot, though. Oh, Andrew L.W. !!! you write some catchy tunes....

TGIF

2006-04-28T17:51:46Z

Thank goodness this week is over. It means my work sample is over. And I am one more week closer to being done with student teaching. this has seriously been the longest year of my life. Actually, today has kind of been the longest day of my life. Just kidding. I am SO TIRED though! Last night I went to Indy to see a play for Brian's birthday. JOSEPH was touring and hit the Murat for a week, so I jumped to get tix. It was SO AWESOME- spankys and sequins!! it was fuuny to see another version of the show we spent so much time on (and put so much emotion into) but the music still makes me laugh hysterically. I think it will always be my favorite show. And Brian liked it, too. Even though their Joseph looked like a body builder or a Ken doll. And the wives were all floozies who looked like Paris Hilton. The trampolines and the sequins and the spankys made up for it. YAY!

So I am tired today and I DON'T WANT TO DO ANY WORK! I have approx. one million hours of work left to do before I graduate. No problem. OK, I NEED to get stuff done. This is ridiculous.

I am eating the flesh off of my lips

2006-04-20T18:53:32Z

OK, so I am a little stressed. I like my "job" so much though, that I kind of think this whole situation is funny. So I am finishing up my second official week of student teaching, although it is my fourth week here, and I already feel like I have been here forever. Best of all, the kids seem to have accepted me and are jovial and feel like my students.
But they keep dropping bombs on me. For example, I found out yesterday ALL of my students are going on a 2-day field trip next week. WHAT??
I am in the middle of my work sample, right? That means I have to turn in all of my lessons, have objectives fir each day, week, and for the whole unit, and then write a long paper talking about assessment, authentic learning, and basically talk about how what we teach has changed the lives of our students. BAH! So 2 days missing? Is a VERY big deal. Why? Because The following week ALL of my students will be gone for 4 days on another field trip. HUH? So I have to test them before they go or they will never remember and we will NEVER finish the book..... and I just want to do a good job and have SUMMER finally.

But I honestly don't have much to complain about. I love it here so much. It is so great, and I think Tina is really warming up to me. I think, anyway:-)
I am almost done with it all, I know it will be hard but it is within my grasp. I have great motivation to finish. I have such a great summer planned, and i really look forward to relaxing.

And I have a really great boyfriend who is honestly perfect. I might be biased or something, but I don't think so. I think he is just perfect.

I think my whole life is opening up and I am really growing. I think this is the best time of my life. I think that I can see this year as a real pivotal moment.

Easter Bunny

2006-04-16T23:48:59Z

I think I am seriously about to lapse into a coma. I ate sooooooooooooooooo much today. I feel a little sick, but the foods were all so yummy!
I saw EC's version of Guys and Dolls last night, and it made me miss being in plays even more. I am excited about Godspell this summer. I really need to have more of a balance in my life. I want to work and teach and have a career, but I am just so ready to have a home of my own and a little stability and comfort. I love being with someone who makes me feel safe and happy. I just want that all the time. I think this year has taught me how to find that place on my own a little better........... for everything EC has put me through, I have to say it has been an education! Ultimately, I am so glad that I did the MAT, even though it pretty much ate my soul and kicked my butt.

SOME PIG!

2006-03-31T01:11:37Z

zoom in on me, doing the chicken dance with a gymnasium full of kids, their dads in suits, and my boss and supervisor, and angsty middle schoolers red faced and horrified that the chicken dance even exists.

that's the life of a student teacher. Plus there were live pigs!

grrumph

2006-03-30T03:22:36Z

so this was a weird/annoying day.

it started off good, with a 2 hour delay which means I got to take my sweet time in the morning, but these days, that is part of the luxury of a basic day.... everything is sweeter when you don't have to commute. i only taught 1 class, had some good moments with the kids, they are SO FUNNY.

so that was fine but then the bulldozer came..... Debbie informed me that there were 2 possibly 3 teaching jobs in science in RCS next year..... but they are interviewing for them THIS WEEK. WHAT??? not 2 weeks ago she told us not to worry about our resumes now, we should concentrate on finishing up our student teaching requirements. Her exact words were "early days." As in, it is not time yet to worrying about this. Now she is telling me in her quiet singsongy way, "Well, don't feel pressured, it's up to you, but if you want to stay in Richmond next year, I would call RIGHT NOW and go by TOMORROW, and you have a resume, right?"

DEBBIE!!! Thanks for springing this on me!!

So luckily, I do have a resume, but I just sent it off with a quick email to the principals. I feel so rushed and completely unprepared. I feel like I didn't go through the proper channels. I really do want to teach.... I want to try at least. Today Tina told me her thinking behind teaching- she taught in public schools until she had kids, and then stayed at home with them until they were in first grade, and then she taught in private school, and only half time. She said she won't go back to public school until they are in college. Her argument is, there are just a few short years with her kids, and she wants to be around for as much stuff as possible. That sounds nice.

So, thanks, i would like a job. I just don't feel ready to INTERVIEW right THIS WEEK! ACK! Who knnows, they might not even call......

TGIM

2006-03-27T15:52:32Z

I never thought I would be thankful for Monday....but I *heart* my new school! This internship is so nice and wonderful, I hope I can find a school like this to teach at. I love walking down the hall and passing the kindergarteners, I love the bright green and blue walls and the lockers in the cafeteria, I love the way that the staff take turns bringing in food, I love the funny kids and their gross stories ("this one time, when my dad cut his finger on a circular saw.....")
There are things I am not yet used to- the Christian pledge every morning, a new way of taking attendence, the power that parents have over the teachers, but I think I can learn a lot from a new dynamic and atmosphere among teachers and students. I am worried that my mentor really doesn't want me to be here- she really wants to do this her self, and is way reluctant to just hand over her kids to a stranger. I wish we had a better more established relationship, but she doesn't know me or trust me yet. I hope she will eventually, and that things continue to make me this happy. It's time to be happy for a while.

just when i thought it couldn't get better

2006-03-19T04:42:24Z

I finished my paper today. I honestly think THIS is the best paper I've written, although i say that after I get done with a big project like this. But I have never worked on a paper for 5 months before. I honestly think I will be able to present it in May without too much trauma.

but that is only a smidgeon of what made my day wonderful!

MY BROTHER AND HIS WIFE ARE HAVING A BABY!!!!!!!!

I cannot believe it. (I said that to Sam and he got all insulted and said, "WHY can't you believe it?" and then I was all "Ew, ick, I didn't mean that," and we were back to being siblings again).

I am so happy for them but I am happy for ME too! I am going to be an aunt!!!!!!!!!!! I knew I would be someday, but I honestlyl thought it wouldn't be for a few years!!!

BABIES!!!!! YAY!!!!

so compared to that it's like paper schmaper. big wup.

:-) Jess took me out for a congratulatory pork tenderloin sandwich and light beer. followed by gilmore girls DVDs and malted milk balls.

i can't stop giggling! a baby! ooooooooooooooooooooooh!

poem from my student

2006-03-15T17:13:12Z

Meghann Bowman wrote me a poem to say goodbye to me (she is my mentor teacher's daughter, and was one of the GT eighth graders in my HS science class.

"ode to the Sequinator" by meghann bowman

the printer doesn't work
the teachers are mad
in spite of all this pain
you seem oh so glad

your sequins are shining
like the mineral pyrite
for you, miss garman,
teaching is just right

your skills are abundant
even when Kat says no
we hate to see you leave
Daniel begs for you not to go

Mr munchel loves you
kinda like everyone else
have fun in the real world
now you get to see for yourself

we all say your name
as you dance with intensity
you have a slight obsession
with the word whimsy

hope life is super
from here on out
thanks oh so much
for helping Mrs Bowman out

she already has an A in science, but I am going to make sure her english teacher gives her an A too! What a great note to leave HHS on!

OMG --> Pink Panther = HILARIOUS

2006-03-06T04:44:45Z

seriously, I have never laughed outloud in a movie so much and not groaned at the same time. This movie was DELIGHTFUL! It was just the right length, and the humor wasn't subtle, but not too slapstick. I think just the right amount. And the overacting was not annoying, it made it funny. I never really saw the old films, so I can't comapre, but I think Steve Martin was very funny, esp. the scence in New York with the hamburgers.

ANYWAY, if you are feeling a little blue (i.e. it snowed today and you are ready for it to be SPRING already!) I recommend this film. WAY better than Panic Room, which I watched last night on TV.

My dear my dear

2006-03-02T02:43:43Z

I just got back from my voyage to the bus depot...... and spent the most enjoyable 40 miles of my life chatting up with the best friend in the world. There is something magical about Jessi; I haven't seen her in 10 months since her wedding, but it seems like time stood still and we fell back into our old patterns of speech instantaneoulsly. But we are even better now. I love her so much, everything that has been lacking in my life surrounding friendships this year seems resolved by my one tiny visit with my dear friend. There is something healing about being with someone who knows you that well.
It used to hurt to be away from her. I still wish she lived nearer, but I feel so much that she is with me anyway. It still felt nice to give her a huge hug tonight though. And she can still pick me up even though she is about 95 pounds!!!
She is such a gift.

kristypickles @ 2006-03-01T23:09:00

2006-03-01T23:12:42Z

Jessi D is on a bus heading to ME right now! (well to Dayton Ohio where I will go get her in an hour). I am so excited to spend some time with my bestest friend.

Last night I had a mysterious man at my door in the shape of my boyf and it was great.

Katy M is also coming home this weekend and I predict a lot of giggling in my near future. I decided that I am ready to MOVE OUT of my ridiculous house. I hate it here so much.

i am slmost done at hagerstown. I can feel it!!!!!

if this was all I felt guilty for I might be able to sleep

2006-02-28T20:59:04Z

Guilt	What is yours?	Explain yourself
Culinary:	Corn chips with stuff	I love salt and spice and melty stuff.
Literary:	Chick Lit Authors	I love stories with love and sex and shopping in them. Its like a Cosmo chapter book
Audiovisual:	American Idol or VH1 when I have cable	I love famous people and people who will do anything to get famous
Musical:	Jessica Simpson	see above, and I also really love it when a girl belts out any song about luhve
Celebrity:	Jessica Simpson and Carmen Electra	this goes with the last two- my love for divas, pretty people, rich people, and reality TV

Now I tag:-

Back in the saddle again

2006-02-16T01:30:21Z

So my first day back since my illness was okay.

I am trying the divide and conquer method:
6 more weeks
1 unit
two chapters of 3 weeks each
6 lessons in each chapter
two more projects
one more assessment

So I can plan six lessons at a time right? right.

I am going to try some new things. and all will be awesome.

i hope.

rock bottom isn't that bad, at least I am with the rocks

2006-02-14T17:39:29Z

So I am taking a few sick days to evaluate my situation:

am I really sick, am I depressed or am I just doing the wrong things?

I need to change so many things, I am making everyone I care about totally miserable.

This is the hardest stuff I have ever had to do. Honestly, I just want to find a way to be happy in my present.

my mom always quotes Rilke to me when I am feeling angsty like this.

"...I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."
Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903 in Letters to a Young Poet

I am trying, Rainer.

made it fine

2006-02-05T03:30:03Z

mom: I think that everything is going to be okay.
me: what is?
mom: just everything.

*pause*

mom: I think it is all going to be even better than we thought it was.
me: what is?
mom: just all of it.

its such a cliche, but my mom really is my best friend.

kristypickles @ 2006-02-04T03:22:00

2006-02-04T03:24:24Z

its amazing what a friday night will do for the soul.

not that there is much happening at all, but the sheer knowledge that i can sleep uninterrupted until i wake up is pure bliss.

I am still recovering from my week, but I am trying to stay practical and get through this experience, remembering that this is not a permenent situation and I will NOT be in Hagerstown forever.

the things that are forever are the things that are keeping me sane.

I had dinner with my parents tonight, and it was just right.

kristypickles @ 2006-02-03T01:20:00

2006-02-03T01:31:56Z

its been a bad couple of days so I have been trying to spare everyone some of my drama by just posting privately. It really helps to vent out my frustrations, but i am embarrassed by a lot of what i say. and its not all 100% true anyway, its is just my exhaustion and stuff talking.

so week 4 is suppossed to be "puke week" in student teaching and it hit me hardcore like food poisoning at the Golden Corrall.

i
had
the
worst
week.

i couldn't do anything right, and I was just SAD and stressed out. I lost my purpose, I was crabby with everyone and most of all I just kept thinking "why on earth should I want to do this?" I have been too scared to voice that out loud, because I feel like I should at least be clear that I here by choice.....

but I remember that all people go through times of trial and tests, and that if it were all simple, it would not have any real meaning to us. I was called to teaching in a very real way. It became obvious over a period of 2 or 3 years that God was truly leading me to where I am now. And it is HARD. It challenges me on every level. but I know my life is in education. Maybe I shouldn't teach high school kids forever. If that is one of the things I learn this 12 weeks, great. That is something. Next time I'll see how it goes with a differnt group. Maybe I don't want to teach Earth Science. Sure, there are a lot of things I can do- I don't have to know that all know.

yesterday my mom said to me, "it's exciting how you can't see around the corner of the future! Remember that and try to hold on to it!"
and Brian said to me, "you have so much time, and I'll be here for you. You'll be okay."

I truly believe God talks to me through the hearts of other people, directly to my heart. And I don't feel totally better. I still feel bad.
but I feel comforted. and loved.

looking at the glass both ways

2006-01-20T01:07:44Z

I keep having weird dreams, maybe in anticipation of waking up at 5. I seem to wake up and look at my clock at about 4:35 every morning. Damn. I wish I could just sleep for 8 hours like a normal American ;-)

I am trying to be a better communicator, a more patient person, and do everything I can to feel prepared and capable each day. Today it all fell apart, and I felt out of whack all day long. I couldn't do anything right, and I couldn't even deal with my own feelings.

I know I don't want to be doing this. I don't know what I want to do about it though.

I wish so much I could make the things I want to happen just HAPPEN. Ich will nicht mehr einfach warten! I hate counting down the weeks and days, I don't want to go through life like that.

The time is past when my life was focused around things I could control. I am nostolgic for college for the first time since I graduated. I know I didn't feel in control then. But I was able to be completely self-centered because what I put out was directly porportionate to my own gain- grades, knowledge, you name it. No one really seemed to care what I did.

Now I feel constantly scrutinized. By my direct superiors and a mob of 14 year olds! I don't know whose criticism is more painful, although it is certainly different.

Luckily Debbie and jackie seem to think I have something in me I haven't discovered yet. I hope I find it soon.

could be way worse

2006-01-12T02:20:16Z

time is moving sooooooo slowly, I want things to speed through so I can get into a routine already. Ahhhh, I hate beginnings.
I had an excellent meeting with my professors yesterday, and it looks like I will be doing 12 weeks of student teaching at hagerstown and another 3-4 weeks at a middle school here in Richmond. It means I might teach until mid-may, but if it helps me land a job I am all for it! If I can prioritize right now, teaching in the same town where I live looks mighty mighty actractive.
We also had our first EC class tonight. Ew, ick. It was just as awful as I expected. I was not even excited to see people, even the few that i still enjoy. Thank goodness there is only 1.5 hours a week of class this semester. NIIIIIIIIIIICE is all I have to say about that.
So, School makes me crazy, yet I have to say I feel so much better than I did last year. I don't NOT want to teach, I just think it is soooooooo hard. I WIll be good, I am just not good yet. I hope to improve everyday. At least I am a "passionate teacher" right? Robert Fried would be proud.

night!

sunday night

2006-01-09T01:59:23Z

I had a fun weekend: Brian took Jess and I to see DISNEY ON ICE which sounds like it would be silly but was actually AWESOME. There were acrobats and puppets and ice dancers as well as the songs from Tarzan, Jungle Book, and the Lion King. This outing was the brain child of you guessed it: the best boyfriend on the planet. Brian is so awesome, I just love him so much. Gush Gush Gush.

I had a kind of sad day today, though, the teaching woes were just on the perifery of it all. My cousin, Katy, is not doing well at all and I am really unsure how to process it. She just confuses me- I know no one CHOOSES to be depressed, or an alcoholic, or have PTSD, or anything else tragic and unexplainable. But she is causing everyone who loves her so much pain, and she doesn't care about anything but her own pain. She is incapable of excepting that anyone else's feelings are anything but second to her pain. I wish there was something anyone could do, but they've done it, and they've done it a million times, and in a million different ways.
Mom and I had a healing prayer session for her today because Aunt Sod and her friends were having a ceremony at 4 at the Inn, so we wanted to support them in prayer, too. I tried really hard to send some positive images to them, and to Katy, but it is so hard. I thought with all the hope I had that Katy has angels surrounding her so she won't be alone. I have to accept that she may never change. She may never stop drinking, she may never take care of herself, and she may break everyone's hearts one by one. But I don't want her to be alone. And when she has pushed us all away, maybe the angels will be able to bring her back to us. Or if she never comes back, at least I have the image of the unconditional love of God surrounding her. I never ever want to be that far from my truth. Katy is just lost.

I remembered today that last year when I had a job that was bad I used to dread sunday nights. It was a sick feeling in my stomach, knowing I had to get through another 32 hour work week with co-wrokers who made me feel stupid and bored and uninspiring work that really stifled me. I got that feeling again, and I am in an almost opposite situation this year. I have SO much responsibility, SO much is up to me, and I still feel sick. I think this time I am just overwhelmed with it all. WIll I always dread sunday nights like this? I hope not.

kristypickles @ 2006-01-05T22:25:00

2006-01-05T22:27:02Z

So teaching: its not so bad- I just have to figure out how to do one thing at a time while still staying three steps ahead. Its like a dance.

Oh, and I cringe now at what I didn't pay attention to when I was in class. Crikey.