The Pickle Jar

Most people blog at work, I guess. That is what I am telling myself anyway.
So things are not great. I finally have my "dream job" and it is hard and challenging and tiring and fun- and then the theatre has a fire and everything gets thrown through a loop. I find out that there is no such thing as a dream job and that work is hard and responsibilities are tough. I feel like I am mostly good at it (good enough anyway) and that the important thing is to communicate, which I am working on.

Otherwise things are not great. I keep feeling sad and freaked out about everything, even things that don't make sense and are completely irrational. I am convinced that something bad is going to happen. Nothing comforts me. I am not a good friend, I feel like there is a train going through my mind all the time, and I have a constant ache in my stomach. I don;t know what to do, but I am pushing away all the things that are important to me, especially the most important thing of all.

What is going on? Even prayer isn't helping.

I just realized that I haven't updated in forever. Funny. So much has happened, I don't know where to start! My new house is good, if a little small and stuffy (but it is summer and humid!) The play is amazing, if challenging and tiring and stressful and sad at times. It's a roller coaster, but such and amazing experience and I am so glad that I am a part of it. But most importantly:

I have a teaching job next year!

After two interviews and weeks of painful waiting, I was afficially offered a teaching job at RHS and I have accepted it. There is paper work and things to go through, but I will definetly be "on board" with the Teacher Creatures come August 1st. This is crazy and still sinking in for several reasons! I just graduated from Richmond 7 years ago, and now all of a sudden I am ready to walk in the doors as an adult with the knowledge and the moxy (Thanks Ms Dennis) to teach? I guess the most important thing is that I want to help students succeed and see the fun and importance in things. I love school, I always have. I love learning, and I love creating learning environments. Hopefully it won't be devastatingly difficult and suck my soul out and stuff.

Other than that news, I am pretty much boring. I feel a little nervous about some things in my personal life, so just keep me in your prayers. it's tough to be a grown up with real-life relationships and responsibilities.

Brian and I make a viscious Pirate pair. I think we are anticipating Jonny Depp's return to the screen as the hottest man in eyeliner!

SO I am rounding the bend with the portfolio. It is just fine-tuning until I turn it in on tuesday morning when they open the offices again. Unbelievable that the end is so anti-climatic. It is kind of cathartic to have my last task to be so individual and OCD oriented. Tabs and files and highlighter pens are surrounding my work station, and not a paper to grade in sight. At least this I have total control over.

I am feeling the pull of summer laziness already. I realize why it is that we have to work for most of the year, because the drug of doing nothing is so addictive. I would literally asphyxiate if I never did any work. But it is nice to be done with this kind of work. I have some goals for my summer:

1. Repair some broken relationships
2. Tend to my emotional health
3. Exercise as much as possible
4. Live honestly

I think these are a good start. I am SO EXCITED about being in a play again. This time I won't be distracted by school or stupid boys. I will be able to enjoy every part of it. I miss singing Joseph songs a lot, though. Oh, Andrew L.W. !!! you write some catchy tunes....

Thank goodness this week is over. It means my work sample is over. And I am one more week closer to being done with student teaching. this has seriously been the longest year of my life. Actually, today has kind of been the longest day of my life. Just kidding. I am SO TIRED though! Last night I went to Indy to see a play for Brian's birthday. JOSEPH was touring and hit the Murat for a week, so I jumped to get tix. It was SO AWESOME- spankys and sequins!! it was fuuny to see another version of the show we spent so much time on (and put so much emotion into) but the music still makes me laugh hysterically. I think it will always be my favorite show. And Brian liked it, too. Even though their Joseph looked like a body builder or a Ken doll. And the wives were all floozies who looked like Paris Hilton. The trampolines and the sequins and the spankys made up for it. YAY!

So I am tired today and I DON'T WANT TO DO ANY WORK! I have approx. one million hours of work left to do before I graduate. No problem. OK, I NEED to get stuff done. This is ridiculous.

OK, so I am a little stressed. I like my "job" so much though, that I kind of think this whole situation is funny. So I am finishing up my second official week of student teaching, although it is my fourth week here, and I already feel like I have been here forever. Best of all, the kids seem to have accepted me and are jovial and feel like my students.
But they keep dropping bombs on me. For example, I found out yesterday ALL of my students are going on a 2-day field trip next week. WHAT??
I am in the middle of my work sample, right? That means I have to turn in all of my lessons, have objectives fir each day, week, and for the whole unit, and then write a long paper talking about assessment, authentic learning, and basically talk about how what we teach has changed the lives of our students. BAH! So 2 days missing? Is a VERY big deal. Why? Because The following week ALL of my students will be gone for 4 days on another field trip. HUH? So I have to test them before they go or they will never remember and we will NEVER finish the book..... and I just want to do a good job and have SUMMER finally.

But I honestly don't have much to complain about. I love it here so much. It is so great, and I think Tina is really warming up to me. I think, anyway:-)
I am almost done with it all, I know it will be hard but it is within my grasp. I have great motivation to finish. I have such a great summer planned, and i really look forward to relaxing.

And I have a really great boyfriend who is honestly perfect. I might be biased or something, but I don't think so. I think he is just perfect.

I think my whole life is opening up and I am really growing. I think this is the best time of my life. I think that I can see this year as a real pivotal moment.

I think I am seriously about to lapse into a coma. I ate sooooooooooooooooo much today. I feel a little sick, but the foods were all so yummy!
I saw EC's version of Guys and Dolls last night, and it made me miss being in plays even more. I am excited about Godspell this summer. I really need to have more of a balance in my life. I want to work and teach and have a career, but I am just so ready to have a home of my own and a little stability and comfort. I love being with someone who makes me feel safe and happy. I just want that all the time. I think this year has taught me how to find that place on my own a little better........... for everything EC has put me through, I have to say it has been an education! Ultimately, I am so glad that I did the MAT, even though it pretty much ate my soul and kicked my butt.

zoom in on me, doing the chicken dance with a gymnasium full of kids, their dads in suits, and my boss and supervisor, and angsty middle schoolers red faced and horrified that the chicken dance even exists.


that's the life of a student teacher. Plus there were live pigs!

so this was a weird/annoying day.

it started off good, with a 2 hour delay which means I got to take my sweet time in the morning, but these days, that is part of the luxury of a basic day.... everything is sweeter when you don't have to commute. i only taught 1 class, had some good moments with the kids, they are SO FUNNY.

so that was fine but then the bulldozer came..... Debbie informed me that there were 2 possibly 3 teaching jobs in science in RCS next year..... but they are interviewing for them THIS WEEK. WHAT??? not 2 weeks ago she told us not to worry about our resumes now, we should concentrate on finishing up our student teaching requirements. Her exact words were "early days." As in, it is not time yet to worrying about this. Now she is telling me in her quiet singsongy way, "Well, don't feel pressured, it's up to you, but if you want to stay in Richmond next year, I would call RIGHT NOW and go by TOMORROW, and you have a resume, right?"

DEBBIE!!! Thanks for springing this on me!!

So luckily, I do have a resume, but I just sent it off with a quick email to the principals. I feel so rushed and completely unprepared. I feel like I didn't go through the proper channels. I really do want to teach.... I want to try at least. Today Tina told me her thinking behind teaching- she taught in public schools until she had kids, and then stayed at home with them until they were in first grade, and then she taught in private school, and only half time. She said she won't go back to public school until they are in college. Her argument is, there are just a few short years with her kids, and she wants to be around for as much stuff as possible. That sounds nice.

So, thanks, i would like a job. I just don't feel ready to INTERVIEW right THIS WEEK! ACK! Who knnows, they might not even call......

I never thought I would be thankful for Monday....but I *heart* my new school! This internship is so nice and wonderful, I hope I can find a school like this to teach at. I love walking down the hall and passing the kindergarteners, I love the bright green and blue walls and the lockers in the cafeteria, I love the way that the staff take turns bringing in food, I love the funny kids and their gross stories ("this one time, when my dad cut his finger on a circular saw.....")
There are things I am not yet used to- the Christian pledge every morning, a new way of taking attendence, the power that parents have over the teachers, but I think I can learn a lot from a new dynamic and atmosphere among teachers and students. I am worried that my mentor really doesn't want me to be here- she really wants to do this her self, and is way reluctant to just hand over her kids to a stranger. I wish we had a better more established relationship, but she doesn't know me or trust me yet. I hope she will eventually, and that things continue to make me this happy. It's time to be happy for a while.

I finished my paper today. I honestly think THIS is the best paper I've written, although i say that after I get done with a big project like this. But I have never worked on a paper for 5 months before. I honestly think I will be able to present it in May without too much trauma.

but that is only a smidgeon of what made my day wonderful!

MY BROTHER AND HIS WIFE ARE HAVING A BABY!!!!!!!!

I cannot believe it. (I said that to Sam and he got all insulted and said, "WHY can't you believe it?" and then I was all "Ew, ick, I didn't mean that," and we were back to being siblings again).

I am so happy for them but I am happy for ME too! I am going to be an aunt!!!!!!!!!!! I knew I would be someday, but I honestlyl thought it wouldn't be for a few years!!!

BABIES!!!!! YAY!!!!

so compared to that it's like paper schmaper. big wup.

:-) Jess took me out for a congratulatory pork tenderloin sandwich and light beer. followed by gilmore girls DVDs and malted milk balls.

i can't stop giggling! a baby! ooooooooooooooooooooooh!

Meghann Bowman wrote me a poem to say goodbye to me (she is my mentor teacher's daughter, and was one of the GT eighth graders in my HS science class.

"ode to the Sequinator" by meghann bowman

the printer doesn't work
the teachers are mad
in spite of all this pain
you seem oh so glad

your sequins are shining
like the mineral pyrite
for you, miss garman,
teaching is just right

your skills are abundant
even when Kat says no
we hate to see you leave
Daniel begs for you not to go

Mr munchel loves you
kinda like everyone else
have fun in the real world
now you get to see for yourself

we all say your name
as you dance with intensity
you have a slight obsession
with the word whimsy

hope life is super
from here on out
thanks oh so much
for helping Mrs Bowman out

she already has an A in science, but I am going to make sure her english teacher gives her an A too! What a great note to leave HHS on!

seriously, I have never laughed outloud in a movie so much and not groaned at the same time. This movie was DELIGHTFUL! It was just the right length, and the humor wasn't subtle, but not too slapstick. I think just the right amount. And the overacting was not annoying, it made it funny. I never really saw the old films, so I can't comapre, but I think Steve Martin was very funny, esp. the scence in New York with the hamburgers.

ANYWAY, if you are feeling a little blue (i.e. it snowed today and you are ready for it to be SPRING already!) I recommend this film. WAY better than Panic Room, which I watched last night on TV.

I just got back from my voyage to the bus depot...... and spent the most enjoyable 40 miles of my life chatting up with the best friend in the world. There is something magical about Jessi; I haven't seen her in 10 months since her wedding, but it seems like time stood still and we fell back into our old patterns of speech instantaneoulsly. But we are even better now. I love her so much, everything that has been lacking in my life surrounding friendships this year seems resolved by my one tiny visit with my dear friend. There is something healing about being with someone who knows you that well.
It used to hurt to be away from her. I still wish she lived nearer, but I feel so much that she is with me anyway. It still felt nice to give her a huge hug tonight though. And she can still pick me up even though she is about 95 pounds!!!
She is such a gift.

Jessi D is on a bus heading to ME right now! (well to Dayton Ohio where I will go get her in an hour). I am so excited to spend some time with my bestest friend.

Last night I had a mysterious man at my door in the shape of my boyf and it was great.

Katy M is also coming home this weekend and I predict a lot of giggling in my near future. I decided that I am ready to MOVE OUT of my ridiculous house. I hate it here so much.

i am slmost done at hagerstown. I can feel it!!!!!

Guilt	What is yours?	Explain yourself
Culinary:	Corn chips with stuff	I love salt and spice and melty stuff.
Literary:	Chick Lit Authors	I love stories with love and sex and shopping in them. Its like a Cosmo chapter book
Audiovisual:	American Idol or VH1 when I have cable	I love famous people and people who will do anything to get famous
Musical:	Jessica Simpson	see above, and I also really love it when a girl belts out any song about luhve
Celebrity:	Jessica Simpson and Carmen Electra	this goes with the last two- my love for divas, pretty people, rich people, and reality TV

Now I tag:-

So my first day back since my illness was okay.

I am trying the divide and conquer method:
6 more weeks
1 unit
two chapters of 3 weeks each
6 lessons in each chapter
two more projects
one more assessment

So I can plan six lessons at a time right? right.

I am going to try some new things. and all will be awesome.

i hope.

So I am taking a few sick days to evaluate my situation:

am I really sick, am I depressed or am I just doing the wrong things?

I need to change so many things, I am making everyone I care about totally miserable.

This is the hardest stuff I have ever had to do. Honestly, I just want to find a way to be happy in my present.

my mom always quotes Rilke to me when I am feeling angsty like this.

"...I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."
Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903 in Letters to a Young Poet

I am trying, Rainer.

mom: I think that everything is going to be okay.
me: what is?
mom: just everything.

*pause*

mom: I think it is all going to be even better than we thought it was.
me: what is?
mom: just all of it.

its such a cliche, but my mom really is my best friend.

its amazing what a friday night will do for the soul.

not that there is much happening at all, but the sheer knowledge that i can sleep uninterrupted until i wake up is pure bliss.

I am still recovering from my week, but I am trying to stay practical and get through this experience, remembering that this is not a permenent situation and I will NOT be in Hagerstown forever.

the things that are forever are the things that are keeping me sane.

I had dinner with my parents tonight, and it was just right.